#102: A subtle form of greatness_Part II
Divorce guilt and lets get onto hot sex with gooey, sticky love today
Guilt is a good thing from now on. It can be our flashing light and piercing siren alerting us to the presence of our self-hate. If you feel guilty about not doing enough to save South Africa today is as good a day as any to change. Scary comes first though, that is hard. Stopping for just long enough to let the hounds of hell catch and overwhelm us with all their accusation. But we’re aware of them now. And change can come today with only a few simple words - ‘How do I really feel ?’
The god of responsibility is well-worshipped by us adults. Especially the kind studious enough to invest in content like this. In our pagan worship we glorify guilt. Bow down and lay our offering of sweat and blood at it’s feet expecting a healthy return. But to leave this false god all we need to see is the selfishness of our so-called love and responsibility. According to a Unicef poll 73% of South African youth are suffering from mental health challenges. They’re overwhelmed and we’re still entrenching the lie that stigmatizes mental health? That’s curious indeed…
A friend of a friend suffered a breakdown recently. It was big and public and costly. So we all sat in a circle, drinking wine, comforting each other while tip-toeing around the idea of seeing a psychologist….? The stakes are high. ‘A more subtle form of greatness’ starts with falling. Demands repenting because it can only begin when we leave behind what looks like responsibility and embrace the fragile idea of self-love.
And yes, that is squiggly. And soft. And sometimes like me you might find yourself cuddling a teddy bear for weeks on end just to fall asleep. But isn’t that truly responsible? Being open to how we actually feel, not how we want others to see us feeling?
A friend and reader of these essays sent me the video above after reading Part I. What a beautiful contribution. Guilt is just another form of pretence. Another set of dirty clothes we think will cover the shame we feel from not being enough. Change starts when we begin to set ourselves free. And that is important. If we have any hope of pursuing any form of greatness with a smile on our faces guilt is the first thing that has to go. So why don’t you give yourself the most incredible gift today and start to let it all fall a bit?
Oh, and for the diligent among us, our yielding will probably tick the ‘responsible’ block too. Guilt is dangerous. Very dangerous. If you are white, rich, and filled with inner disdain there’s a good chance you are going to unload that guilt on someone else by trying to save them. Problem. Especially in South Africa where for four hundred years whites have been telling blacks “You can’t, but I can’. The trailer below helped me to see it for the first time. Maybe it will serves as a start for you too.
Freedom from performance. That is the goal. That is love. That is the journey. The absence of the selfish need to pick ourselves up even if it is subtly at someone else’s expense. Giving. Teaching. Churches. NGO. Politics. All of us who devote ourselves to these service-orientated disciplines are equally prone to covering our inner pain with fig leaves of success to keep our wounded hearts safe. The easiest way to test our hearts is to look out for the presence of self-righteousness. Who says that you can’t be stinking rich, live in a South African estate, hold down an executive-level job, and still be fully aligned with the love expression you were designed for?
Freedom from performance. That is the goal. That is love. That is the journey.
Our last essay together unearthed some ideas about why we feel such a compulsive need to perform. Summarised briefly - we’re scared, think success makes us safe and feel no urgent need to change.
This week we turn our faces to the Sun. To dreaming. To bask in the possibility of a life that is not filled with impending doom or the anxiety that performing for our digital neighbor brings. I’ll let Alan de Botton do the heavy lifting of how that could feel:
Excerpt from the book above -
“We know the attractions of extraordiany lives well enough: the glamour, the aclaim,
the material abundance... What can be less familiar to us is their cost: the destruction of emotional stablity, the frenetic activity, the lack of time in which to absorb experiences, the envy and hostility that sucess arouses, the fear of retribution and the dread of downfall.
Once we have property surveyed the merits and demerits on offer, we may willingly choose to side with what the modern age typically consider to be a disaster: a quiet life. This is not from any lack of ambition, but from a more focused aspiration for what we now rescongise to be the primordial ingredient of happiness: peace of mind.
If we can lay down expectations there is hope. Hope of discovering the sublte greatness of a life in which we exercise our virtues joyfully on a domestic canvas...
A Theraptuic journey: Lessons from school of life, Alain de Botton, pg 70I don’t know about you but that sounds about right? The perfect potting soil for love to grow in and bear fruit that really lasts. This week let’s meditate together. Chew over the possibility of a life free of rush and panic and why, oh why, we feel so compelled to perform.
Stay tuned for Part III. If you are catching up read Part I here. Hope you have such a blessed week.
PS: The reason I am so invested in Black Consciousness is I know I am dangerous. And I want change. I want to become truly responsible by expelling the demons of guilt, shame and superiority from my mind so their stench doesn’t linger on ‘others’ in front of me. Look out for a series of essays coming soon titled: “Black Consciousness for white people”, which I hope allows this scary philosophy to serve you too.
PSS: “The love of strangers”, that is what someone famous called writing. So writing is cool now? I wish I couldn’t write. It would save me a mountain of time because I write at night like an adulterer. Sneaking off. Hiding away so I can tap away at those delicious keyboard keys for just a few more seconds… The point is I feel compelled. And I hope that compulsion makes me clean. Clean to serve. Ok, maybe I am 98% clean. 2% of me wants to be really, really famous, cover the world under a pile of my books and then lie in a bed of dollar bills so large I can toss them into in the air laughing maniacally at the world’s grand foolishness… mwahahaha…
PSSS: … I need your help…. Let’s start a conversation so I can put the sane 98% of me to work. See poll below:
PSSSS: Thanks Dad for being persistent enough to introduce me to Alain de Botton